Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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