Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
