I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
