she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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