well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
