I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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