I wish I could teleport
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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