my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
