So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
