I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
