Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
