Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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