we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
