i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
His nipple licking is glorious
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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