Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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