The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
