My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
