Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
