Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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