after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
