saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
