I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
