Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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