dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
