so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
