well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
