There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
