I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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