i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
