I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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