Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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