Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
