I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you guys were way drunker than both of me
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
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