if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
