Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
