She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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