He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
