Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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