According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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