Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
