I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
