Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
We are two peas in an std pod
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
