Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
