I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i drank out of a bidet.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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