burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
