hotel room ftw
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
