I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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