Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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