plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
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