someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
