i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
