My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
